This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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