I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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