He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
