So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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