The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Randomize
