I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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