Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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