you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
