Need sex. Gaining weight.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
