I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
