I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
