Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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