sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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