Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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