I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
