I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
How external is "for external use only"?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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