I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
