life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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