He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
