Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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