I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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