What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
