How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
