Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
