I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
