Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
