Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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