I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
