some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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