It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
