I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
