I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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