If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
