I'm gonna have a badass scar
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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