No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
