I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
