Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
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he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
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my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
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