We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I intend to get homeless drunk
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
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