Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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