Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
