She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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