i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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