I'll bet she douches with gravy.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
BRING THE BAGELS
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
