i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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