If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
i think my cat just said my name.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
