I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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