Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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