he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
