I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
