I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
