ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
