Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
