Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
