Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
