just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
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