You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
