I CAN MOONWALK!
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Randomize
