this beer tastes like vomit already
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
So vagazzling was a success
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize