They should really pass out barf bags in church
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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