My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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