just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
