My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
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